As we approach the holiday season, now is a great time to remind ourselves that family members and loved ones of those that are in active alcohol and/or drug addiction or someone in addiction recovery may need our extra support. We need to help make the holiday celebrations less stressful and more manageable.
Most holidays stir up images of warm gatherings and family traditions, like Dad carving a turkey, Grandma’s warm apple pie, opening presents Christmas morning, or Mom setting the table for Christmas dinner. But for many families out there, this is not a reality and the holidays can be one of the most stressful times of year filled with conflict (internal and external) and overindulgent behaviours that later turn into regrets.
For these families, the thought of managing their alcohol or drug dependencies while facing their traumas, can be emotionally overpowering, and not being able to handle these issues can lead to a relapse for the person in recovery. During the holidays, addiction counsellors, psychotherapists, nurses and other health care and clinical professionals work with families very closely, more-so than any other time of year.
Managing Expectations
So often, we all have unrealistic expectations surrounding the holiday season. We are looking for happy and perfect family gatherings, but this is almost always unattainable in families with trauma and addiction issues. “Communication is key. It’s crucial that family members are open and honest with each other, and address their concerns to one another without fear of judgement,” says Devin Maguire, Director of Revolution Recovery, a supportive first stage recovery centre with a second stage after care component for men struggling with addiction in Surrey BC. Having these unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment, frustration, and even more stress among the relatives of an addict or in recovery. These false expectations can also bring strain and anxiety to the active addict or the recovering addict as well.
If you have a loved on in active addiction or recovery, you may at times think that removing the addict form their gatherings and festivities may ease the pressure for everyone, but by not including your loved one in holiday celebrations can (and usually does) backfire. Inevitably it implies shame, guilt, and isolation, and causes the active addict to feel these as well. This may consequently drive them to relapse. However, you should be concerned about the physical and emotional safety of others participating at such events—especially if there are children present. Most kids won’t feel comfortable watching a relative in a drunk or drugged stupor or becoming verbally aggressive. Maguire adds, “If you do decide to allow an addict to participate, firm ground rules and behavioural expectations need to be set and clearly communicated to the addict.” Furthermore, fit’s important that consequences are followed through with if the boundaries are crossed or you will risk further enabling the addictive behaviour.
Families must keep in mind that there may be a possibility that the addict may not even want to attend the holiday function or any other event because he/she may actually find the experience too painful. It’s important to take everyone’s feelings into consideration.
Supporting your Loved One.
It’s pretty typical to have fears and concerns about a possible relapse during the holiday season. It’s time to balance those feelings at this time of year when it comes to relapse prevention. Take the threat of relapse seriously without suffocating the recovering person’s ability to enjoy the holidays. Overtly highlighting someone in recovery is going to put everyone in the family under incredible stress.
“Relapse prevention needs to start before the holidays. Sit down with your recovering loved one and discuss with them what can be done to make them feel comfortable during this time of year. Also there needs to be further discussions about the challenges they may face and what may trigger cravings for alcohol or drugs,” says Maguire. It may also be helpful to discuss these issues with the recovering addict’s psychotherapist and attend an addiction recovery group to meet and connect with other families.
One of the most stressful components during the holidays surrounds the issue of drinking. Alcohol consumption increases to over 40% during this time of year, and this is definitely stressful for a recovering alcoholic when alcohol tends to be a focal point in most holiday gatherings. You’re trying to support your loved ones sobriety, so you’re definitely going to have to avoid cooking with alcohol or serving liqueur-filled chocolates. This may accidentally expose the recovering alcoholic to even the smallest trigger. Try serving nice-looking and flavourful non-alcoholic beverages so your loved one is not always limited to water or sodas.
Banning alcohol may make things easier, but this isn’t always the best approach. You may think that it respects the needs of the person in addiction recovery, however what it may end up doing is adding tension for your loved one. No one wants to feel responsible for “ruining” holiday traditions or festivities
Another thing to consider? Some of you family members may not be comfortable around the person in recovery. Resentment and anger are real, and hosting an event with family members that have been hurt, or even taken advantage of, by the addict, may mean even more factors to take into consideration.
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How to Let Go
In order to help anyone with addiction, the most important thing is that you have to be able to take care of yourself first. Otherwise, you may not be equipped to handle the physical and emotional challenges when they arise. It is very important that you get adequate sleep, eat well and exercise and take time for yourself. Additionally, partaking in family support groups that are offered may help you to reach out to people that share the same experiences.
Family members need to realize that they can do only so much to help a loved one get into an alcohol rehab or drug rehab program and help keep their loved one clean and sober. This can be most frustrating when they see a loved one recover and then relapse over and over again.
What happens is that fatigue sets in, and the family turns hopeless and feels anger and resentment toward the addict. They may lash out and tell the addict upfront that ‘you ruined the holidays and you always will.” Family members become tired and lose all the energy to deal with it.
This may be extremely difficult for families to accept. They have to accept that they are not responsible for whatever happens. The solution is going to be up to the addict eventually.
Avoid Relapse During the Holidays
Make preparations in advance. Recovering addicts need to assemble a “recovery kit” they can take with them before joining their families for holiday celebrations. This kit would include contact information for the recovering person’s sponsor, therapist. People in recovery that may be travelling out of town need to bring reading material, whether it is AA’s Big Book, a journal, other books that help relieve stress and attend support meetings available at their destination.
Enter early, depart early. Recovering addicts that attend holiday parties may need to consider arriving early and leaving early. Most alcohol and drug use becomes more common as the party carries on. You must not worry that an early departure will offend the host. Your sobriety is the most important.
B.Y.O.B. (bring your own beverages). Bring your own beverages to holiday parties. This will allow you to have more control over what you drink and not fall victim to other people’s attempts to spike beverages with alcohol or drugs as a joke. Unfortunately, many people may not take the importance of recovery seriously. For them, it’s no big deal, for you, it can be a matter of life or death.
Have an escape plan. If the situation arises at a family gathering where an argument takes place or you feel pressure from relatives to drink and you feel tempted, you need to take corrective action as quickly as possible.
When someone in recovery feels uncomfortable or that they need to use again because of a particular situation, they need to take action immediately and get out and do what they need to do to maintain their sobriety. In the end, that is what’s most important.
People in recovery need to remember that they are the ones in control of their sobriety. They have to realize that it’s not the family’s responsibility to keep them sober, it theirs.
