My story starts pretty “normal” in the context of my upbringing and home life. I grew up in a small town outside of Calgary living with my Mom, Dad, Sister, and eventually my grandma (after the passing of my Grandad). I played elite hockey (Bantam AAA and Midget AAA) eventually getting offers to try out for several WHL, AJHL, and USHL hockey teams. I was an above-average student, but the effort was never really there. Everything looked good on the outside but on the inside, it was the complete opposite.
I remember my Mom telling me as I was growing up that alcoholism ran in my family; I never took it seriously. I started chewing tobacco when I was 12 first because I thought it was ‘cool’ then continued based on the effects it gave me. The first time I got drunk, I think I was 13 years old and the feelings of belongingness and contentment rushed over me. My worries and fears were abolished and it was like I was finally home.
I remember being extremely self-conscious growing up and fearing what others thought about me. I could fit in with any group, like a chameleon, but I never really belonged. I always just wanted others’ approval and as a result, I never formed a sense of identity or who I am.
I remember having this craving, to see those same effects as I did but to a greater extent. I started smoking weed and partying at every opportunity that came up while maintaining all of the social ‘norms’ in my hometown. After all, I had a pretty good reputation and the easiest way to get outside approval is to conform to what others are doing. This meant I had to hide my using and drinking, from everyone who would change their views if they found out.
I started trying harder drugs (LSD or Cocaine) when I was around 15-16 but was able to keep it hidden for as long as possible. I never thought I had a problem because everything seemed so normal and no one knew but the people I used with. The summer after my 17th birthday was when things went to the extremes. I was doing Cocaine (and eventually meth) every day and shortly after I started selling it, I loved it. That whole summer was full of lying and deceiving the ones who cared most (my family) and doing a lot of drugs.
One thing that’s important to mention, my friends, teammates, and classmates had a few tragedies. We lost three amazing individuals from our school and sports community over a matter of months and it really shook up everyone.
It came time for my last year of hockey to commence, I was able to pull together enough to make the Midget AAA team (after showing up to my Junior A tryout completely out of shape). I ended up getting suspended from that team for drinking alcohol on the bus on a road trip, then followed a short-lived return with a major concussion. (One of many concussions)
My addiction hit an ultimate low, I was doing crystal meth daily but managed to squeeze out a high school diploma. By the end of the summer, I was in the daily life of crime and surrounded by others who were in it with me. I got arrested I think 5 times over 3 months when I was 18 but I finally felt like I had a group of people who didn’t judge me and all my fears vanished when I was on drugs.
I got clean for a couple of months following that, but I ended up relapsing and going on the worst run yet. The lifestyle got the best of me and I loved it more than anything. It was like I finally made it, I ran from all of my feelings of regret and shame, the drugs gave me a sense of identity (false identity if anything) and crime kept me busy.
I ended up landing myself in jail again looking at 40+ charges and I even had lawyers turn me down because I had so many breaches. I felt hopeless, I saw what the cycle of jail looked like because all of my friends were currently in it. I thought that my life was over, I would be in and out for the rest of my life.
After regaining some mental clarity in jail, I knew I needed help but it wasn’t going to be easy. I got in contact with the people at Revolution Recovery and they were able to hold a bed for me. My family helped pay for my bail and I arrived the day after my release from custody. They were incredibly supportive of me and allowed me to discover my real sense of identity.
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Forward to today and thanks to the help from the staff at Revolution and the counsellor Ryan, I’ve been able to figure out who I am. I’m currently enrolled in my first year of college in the process of obtaining Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology. I started playing hockey again and have almost finished my Conditional Sentence Order (CSO) that was ordered as a result of my charges. I will never forget the amount of time and effort the team here has helped me find a better way of life; I am forever grateful.
